


Unprofessional

by Flightless_Bird



Category: Villainous (Cartoon)
Genre: BH just wants them to all act professional, BH just wants to make more money, Black Hat Inc. now offering tours!, But his boss might too, Demencia takes over for Cambot, Flirting, Flirty tour characters, Flirty!Black Hat, Flug hates tours, Flug's got it bad, Jealous!Flug, Jealousy, Jealousy and such does not begin in chapter 1, M/M, and basically makes Flug's life a living hell, but more is coming, he's a shy antisocial scientist, the public just wants to see what's in his creepy house, the title explains how well that turns out, warning for language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-14
Updated: 2017-07-05
Packaged: 2018-11-14 05:04:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,284
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11201037
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Flightless_Bird/pseuds/Flightless_Bird
Summary: "I’m starting the tour,” Black Hat announced gruffly. He strode to the front door and took the knob, pausing to jab a finger at his two henchmen. “Demencia, don’t embarrass me. Flug, stutter and you die. If we have a repeat of the time loop incident, I will make your already miserable lives hell. Understand?"





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Just my second work for this fandom, i love these characters so much! I'm really excited to write this one and while I have a shaky plot planned, I'm open to suggestions! So if you liked it, let me know what you wanna see! And comments always make me happy c:
> 
> Thanks for reading!

Flug took one look at the crowd waiting on the front lawn and groaned under his breath. _Oh great, there's two moms, a fucking police officer, and three teenagers_. These tours were his living nightmares. Intrigued by the infamous manor and its occasional explosions, people of the neighborhood had begun asking if Black Hat Inc. offered any tours for the public. Flug had been all too eager to say "no way in hell, have a nice day." But it seemed his boss had other ideas. Apparently any prospect of money was enough to get him to open the doors of his home to....these people.

 

  
Flug would really rather lock himself in a closet during these events. He already loathed social interaction as it was. Now he was subjected to it on a weekly basis, with all of his disgusting awkwardness, and to top it off, it was being _filmed_. He could thank his lovely boss for that one. The inventions were going to be shown and demonstrated at the end of every tour, and public displays such as this were great for building some fame. Someone might watch it online and want to see the house for themselves.

  
So now, Flug was forced to socially interact with people, while on camera, and the fucking camerawoman in charge was none other than Demencia, who only ruined his life even more with all her stupid comments.

  
"Someone kill me now," he muttered, paper bag crackling as he leaned his forehead against the window. He glared out at the little crowd of people chatting excitedly just outside. This was going to be a rough one. Teenagers were always annoying.

  
"Flug! Have our guests arrived yet?"

  
Flug would recognize that sharp voice anywhere, but it still made him flinch. He glanced over his shoulder to see Black Hat striding toward him down the hall, an eager gleam in his eyes. As always, his boss was ready to please the public. "Y—yes, sir," Flug answered shakily. He fiddled with his gloves as Black Hat joined him by the window.

  
A faint glow appeared behind Black Hat's monocle as he surveyed the waiting people. "Not as many this time, but it'll do," he remarked drily. "Did you finish that shrink ray I asked for? I want it on display for today's demonstration."

  
"Yes, I—I've had it done since last night so I could get a few test runs in earlier today," Flug answered at once. It was always best to be finished with a weapon early when one worked for a merciless, all-powerful villain.

  
"Perfect."

  
Flug did a double take at that. Was that...was that a compliment? From _Black Hat_? He gawked at Black Hat for so long that Black Hat caught him looking. He shot him a scorching glare. "Well, stop standing there like a damn fool and call Demencia!" he snapped. "I want to begin soon, before they all grow bored with waiting!"

  
Jerking out of his daze, Flug quickly nodded. "Of—of course, sir!" He reached into his pocket for his phone and typed out a quick text to Demencia. It would probably take her a minute to get it and respond. She had a bad habit of getting distracted and ignoring texts. He was sure to send it twice, just to make sure she received it. As he busied himself texting, he tried to sneak a discreet look up at his boss.

  
Black Hat was as immaculately dressed as ever, red shirt bright against his grey vest, and all of it draped in his jet-black coat. The sharp collar flared around his neck boldly and no one could pull off a top hat quite like him. He lifted a gloved hand absently to his tie, smoothing it between finger and thumb. Flug found himself watching the slow movement with fingers still poised dumbly over his phone. Then Black Hat's gaze flicked to him and his heart leapt up into his throat. A lopsided grin hiked up the corner of Black Hat's mouth and he tipped his head to the side. "Enjoying the view, Doctor?" he all but purred, and Flug's heart was sent into mortified pinwheels.

  
"Y—yes, sir— I mean, no sir! I—I mean—!" Flug stammered himself into silence, face burning hotly behind his paper bag.

  
Black Hat simply chuckled, low and deadly. "I wouldn't stutter like that while we're on camera."

  
"Yeah it'll look really bad," a high voice added, _from right behind him._

  
Flug jumped, yelping, as he turned and came face-to-face with the lens of a camera. "Demencia!" he hissed, as she cackled at his reaction. "I told you to stop sneaking up on me like that!"

  
"Sorry, Fluggie, it's just really easy to scare you," she giggled. She hefted the camera up on her shoulder, grinning widely. The sickly green of her mismatched eyes gleamed in the dimly lit hall.

  
Flug growled under his breath and adjusted his paper bag on his head. “Why can’t we just have Cambot film the tours?” he asked, shooting her a glare. “It works fine during the advertisements.”

  
“That horrid robot of yours finds it amusing to film me from obnoxious angles and the last thing it needs is an audience to its behavior,” Black Hat replied irritably.

  
“And _I_ film Black Hat from _allllll_ the best angles,” Demencia added. As if to prove it, she lifted the camera into position and slowly drew it up Black Hat’s body. Flug made a mental note to cut this section of film out, as she reached Black Hat’s face and gave a wolf-whistle. “Aw yeah, let me zoom in now…”

  
“Demencia,” Black Hat growled, “I will shove that camera through your fucking eye socket.”

  
Demencia flashed him a thumbs-up, as though he’d told her good job. “Got it, boss,” she chirped, lowering the camera again.

  
Rolling his eyes, Black Hat tossed a glance to one of the hanging wall clocks. “I’m starting the tour,” he announced gruffly. He strode to the front door and took the knob, pausing to jab a finger at his two henchmen. “Demencia, don’t embarrass me. Flug, stutter and you die. If we have a repeat of the time loop incident, I will make your already miserable lives hell. _Understand_?” The hint of a lower pitch layered into his voice at understand, a demonic glow behind his monocle.

  
Flug and Demencia both nodded at once. Flug grimaced at the mention of a horrible tour a few months back. _I had to give that tour fifteen times before I figured out how to break the loop._

  
“Ready?” he asked Demencia, as the two took their places behind Black Hat at the door.

  
“Oh, yeah, I’m ready,” she drawled, eyes glued to the camera as she brought it back up to her face.

  
“….a—are you just zooming in on his back?!”

  
“No, don’t be stupid, I’m zooming in on his ass.”

  
“D—Demencia!"

  
“ _Get that camera off of me before I destroy it._ ”

  
“Y—yes, sir— Demencia, seriously, stop it.”

  
“What, I’m getting the _best angles._ ”

  
“ _Demencia_!"

  
And so, the tour began.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "The picture was a preciously kept secret, one of the only two secrets Flug had ever kept from his boss. The other had something to do with the way his pulse went haywire when Black Hat spoke to him."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for the comments! They make my day every time I read them and I can't wait to see what you like about this chapter! I'm excited to write more for you and I think there'll be just one more chapter after this one :3
> 
>  
> 
> Thank you again for reading!

The first words from the tourists came from one of the teenage girls in the back: “holy shit, he's kinda hot.”

  
Black Hat glared daggers at her, Flug gave an involuntary squeak, and Demencia muttered a heartfelt, “amen, sister.”

  
Flug wondered just how much film he was going to have to cut from this when this was all said and done.

  
They began in the library. Brimming with books from every century and every language, it was always a grand focal point during tours. It was filled with ceaseless material, allowing Black Hat to monologue absently for a good ten minutes before anybody grew bored. It was almost impossible to become tired of looking though, Flug thought. The shelves soared up to the domed ceiling and the back wall was made up entirely of windows. They threw the daylight across the room, casting the shadow of Black Hat’s desk across the crimson floors. It wasn't as impressive as the hand-carved, ebony bureau in his office but it was still beautiful; built of dark mahogany and with enough secret, hidden drawers to entertain 5.0.5. for hours.

  
The three teenage girls in their tour group spent so much time giggling and playing with it that Flug thought he'd have to pry them off when it was time to leave. He lagged at the back of the group and watched them irritably. They were all blonde except for the bubbly brunette in the middle, and they did not know when to shut up. He gathered from a single conversation that the blondes were called Kristina and Madison, the brunette was Melody, they were high school freshmen, they were members of the drama club, none of them liked the “weird scientist,” and all of them liked Black Hat.

  
They were worse than Demencia. At least Flug and the others knew she was all jokes; she may find her boss attractive, but she wouldn't act on it and she dropped the subject after she became bored. _These_ girls never became bored with it. The giggles, and the comments, and the _flirting_ were unending. They knew how to test boundaries too, pulling back the jokes when Black Hat looked like he might throw them out a window, then letting it build back up again.

  
Flug was really starting to hate them.

  
The tour was interrupted only once when they took a quicker route through the kitchen. There were audible gasps and a few _awww’s_ , as the group found a blue-furred bear gazing at them curiously from beside the sink. Judging by the dishes stacked there and the washcloth hanging from one paw, 5.0.5. had been washing up before they’d arrived. Flug mentally patted himself on the back for having such an intelligent and harmless (albeit _not_ evil) experiment here for the tour to see.

  
“Oh my god, is that thing tame?” a mother demanded, scooting several steps back.

  
5.0.5. cocked his head at her, brow furrowing as though wounded by her question. _Of course I’m tame._

  
“Of course he’s tame!” Flug protested, raising his voice to be heard over the gasps and camera clicks from several cell phones. He waved his arms at 5.0.5., who nodded appreciatively. “He’s more than tame! He’s—doing the dishes!”

  
The mother narrowed her eyes, as though suspicious that at any moment 5.0.5. would break from his calm state and kill them all. “Are you sure?”

  
“What—Yes, I’m sure!” Flug stammered. “I create—raised…him.”

  
The tourists exchanged uneasy mutters. At the head of the group, Black Hat dragged a hand over his face with a heavy sigh. “I can assure you, the idiotic minion to your right is tame,” he deadpanned. “He won’t harm you, nor will he threaten to.” Then, he added something under his breath that sounded a lot like, “unfortunately.”

  
“See? Perfectly harmless,” Flug finished triumphantly. “I wouldn’t lie to you, you know.”

  
From her place behind the camera, Demencia pumped a fist in the air. “You tell em, Flug!”

  
“Demencia, your job does not require you to open your mouth!” Black Hat snapped, a quick break from what had been his almost-pleasant tour guide appearance.

  
Demencia ducked down behind her camera again with a muffled snicker. Flug was honestly surprised that she’d lasted this long without being attacked yet. He slipped a hand up under his bag and rubbed his temple. He could feel a headache starting. Between the tourists’ antics and Demencia, he wasn’t going to make it through the rest of this day. He gave 5.0.5. a half-hearted wave as the tourists began to shuffle forward again. 5.0.5. waved cheerfully back, sporting a sharp-toothed grin and the little flower atop his head bobbing. Flug couldn’t help but smile. 5.0.5. may have technically been a genetic disaster and a mistake, but Flug was still grateful to have him around.

  
Calmed, the group continued to trail along behind Black Hat as they were led into another one of the manor’s long, candlelit hallways. Two of those girls, Melody and Kristina, bent their heads close together and whispered excitedly. Flug wrinkled nose, wondering what on earth they were up to this time. _If they say one more thing about Black Hat, I’m gonna—_

  
“Excuse me?” Melody chirped. Raising her hand cheerily, she beamed up at their guide. “Mr. Black Hat?”

  
Flug dropped his face into his hand and mumbled a quick prayer for strength.

  
Apparently, Black Hat was close to the end of what he could stand, because he didn’t even glance back at his name. “What?” he asked, with the barest traces of politeness.

  
“Do you always wear a suit for business like that? Or did you just wear it for us?” She put a special emphasis on “us,” and it didn’t take very long to figure out that she wasn’t exactly talking about the rest of the tour group.

  
A few other people mumbled complaints under their breaths at her audacity. Black Hat seemed to have decided that the best course of action was to act as though the three teenagers didn’t exist. It was proving difficult, however, because Demencia couldn’t stop guffawing or snorting over every flirtatious sentence they uttered. Flug shoved his hands into the pockets of his lab coat and hunched his shoulders irritably. _Honestly, how much longer is he going to allow this?!_ he wondered, gaze flitting to the glimpses of his boss’s back he could catch in between walking tourists.

  
Giving up on outright flirting, the girls descended to their phones. Madison lifted hers to eye level, pretending to text, but with a sly grin on her face. It was obvious to a number of onlookers that she was snapping pictures of Black Hat. Once in a while, Melody or Kristina would gasp when they were nearly caught in that act or _oooh_ over a particularly nice one. Flug fought the urge to throw something at them.

  
Suddenly, Demencia gasped loudly and pointed at the girls’ phones. “Send me that one!” she exclaimed. At first, the girls looked at her suspiciously, but she just fished out her own phone and waved it around. “I’m serious, we can trade! I’ll send you a couple of mine!”

  
“Demencia!” Black Hat barked. “You are supposed to be filming!”

  
“You’re really gonna want these pictures girls, I snuck into his room when he was changing once. He almost murdered me, but it was _worth it—”_

  
“ _You are supposed to be filming,”_ Black Hat snarled again, and this time, five different pitches appeared to his voice and the floor quaked with the sound. Behind his monocle, a threatening, red burn sparked.

  
Demencia obediently ducked back behind her camera, but not before exchanging numbers with Madison.

  
The girls took a break from their games to play with their phones for a while. Flug noticed Madison tap open her photo album and his curiosity got the better of him.

Tugging nervously at his bag, he weaved in between the people until he was a few feet behind her. He tried to peer over her shoulder as casually as possible and glimpsed a single picture: the breadth of Black Hat’s shoulders under his coat, outlined sharply by a lamp set into the wall. Flug’s skin prickled with distaste. He wanted to take a laser gun to her phone. His gaze drifted up to his boss, walking purposefully ahead of them, pointing out paintings and displayed weapons without a backward glance. He didn’t seem to think the flirting was worth a response. Flug’s shoulders slumped.

  
He wished Black Hat would just put a stop to it. He knew he could. So why didn’t he?

  
_Their stupid pictures aren't even that impressive._ Feeling stupid, he fished his phone from his pocket and entered his passcode. He only had one picture of Black Hat. Demencia snuck them like nobody’s business, but Flug had never been one to stoop to her level. Except for…once.

  
The photo showed Black Hat in what Demencia had dubbed “the music room,” seated at the grand piano. The instrument blocked his hands from this angle, but Flug could still remember the way they danced across the ivory keys, flawless. Late-day sunlight lit his shirt to scarlet flame, coat abandoned on the bench and sleeves rolled up while he played. The brim of his hat cast a shadow across his face, but his eyes were still visible: half-lidded and fixed on the piano, calmer than Flug had ever seen.

  
The picture was a preciously kept secret, one of the only two secrets Flug had ever kept from his boss. The other had something to do with the way his pulse went haywire when Black Hat spoke to him.

  
The sound of a phone’s camera going off brought him out of his thoughts and he saw Melody swear quietly to herself. She’d forgotten that her phone’s sound was turned on. Flug looked to his boss expectantly. Surely, he’d noticed _that_.

  
And _still_ , Black Hat did nothing.

  
Okay, that was it.

  
Shouldering past the girls and Demencia, Flug hurried to catch up to Black Hat and walk alongside him. “U—um, sir?” he ventured.

  
“Your part of the tour doesn’t start until we reach the lab, Dr. Flug,” Black Hat stated matter-of-factly. He didn’t even look at Flug.

  
“I—Yes, I know.” Flug fingered the edge of his phone.

  
“Then why do you insist on walking next to me?” Black Hat asked, a note of annoyance slipping into his voice.

  
Glancing back at the watching teenagers, Flug lowered his voice. “Why don’t you tell them to shut up?” he blurted out. It came out far more daring than he intended and Black Hat shot him a hard glance. “S—sir,” he added weakly.

  
Releasing a tired sigh, Black Hat reached to adjust the brim of his top hat. “They’re pitiful, they’re human, they’re pathetic, they’re paying me,” he listed, “and if I did half of the things I want to do their weak little human skulls, we would have to memory-wipe the entire neighborhood before we hosted another tour. So that, Dr. Flug, is why I haven’t set your atrocious security system on them yet.”

  
Flug opened his mouth, then closed it again, finding no words. Black Hat raised an eyebrow. Then he seemed to realize something and laughed darkly. “Oh, please,” he scoffed. “Don’t tell me you believed that I didn’t _mind_ those teenage idiots’ attentions.”

  
“Well, I—” Flug started defensively, a tinge of red coloring his cheeks. “I—I thought that you might like the attention, s—sir. Since it was from a customer and not Demencia, that is.”

  
“Not if it results in asinine giggling and multiple pictures of my back posted on Facebook,” Black Hat grumbled. “Before they leave, you’re going to destroy all pictures of me from every phone in this wretched manor, by the way.”

  
“Yes, sir.”

  
“Besides that one, I suppose. I’ve let you keep it for this long anyway and it is rather flattering.”

  
“Yes, sir, I’ll—WHAT?” Flug’s voice soared up two octaves as he fumbled to shove his phone into his pocket. It had been locked, how could Black Hat possibly know? “I—I—I don’t know what you—”

  
“Oh, Black Haaaat!” Kristina sang and both Black Hat and Flug scowled. Flipping her hair over her shoulder, she winked, she fucking _winked_. “Would you mind taking a few photos with us? So we can tell our friends we went on a tour?”

  
Black Hat opened his mouth to tell them off, but surprisingly, he never got that far. Growling, Flug threw a harsh sentence over his shoulder, quick with lingering shyness. “Photography of all Black Hat Inc. employees is prohibited and your phones will be searched at the end of the tour.”

  
Kristina gaped at him. “That’s—You can’t do that! That’s an invasion of privacy!”

  
“You all signed consent forms didn’t you?”

  
“Well, yes, but just to say we wanted to take the tour!”

  
“Should’ve read them more closely, sorry.”

  
“What?!”

  
Deciding that he was more than done with this conversation, Flug faced forward again with a huff. Those cheeky, stupid girls. What could they possibly hope to gain from this? He was content to quietly seethe for the remainder of the tour, until he caught sight of his boss’s face. Black Hat’s eyes were hooded, razor-sharp grin hiking up his mouth. His grin widened when Flug looked at him, revealing a flash of shark’s teeth that set Flug’s blood on fire. “That’s why I don’t tell them to stop,” Black Hat admitted slyly.

  
“W—what?” Flug managed.

  
“You didn’t think I’d notice. You’re stupid like that at times. I should’ve known.” Flug flinched at the comment, but it was followed by Black Hat shifting closer to him. Close enough for their arms to brush and hint at the body heat beneath the fabric of Black Hat’s coat. Flug suppressed a shiver. “Perhaps I let them go on because jealousy looks so good on you, Doctor,” he murmured, the low register of voice like a drug sinking into Flug’s veins.

  
Flug tripped over his own feet. Righting himself with a gasp, he planted a hand on his head to keep the paper bag from slipping loose. He was blushing so hard, he was half-afraid it’d be visible through it. “Y—you— I—I’m not— You really…?” _You really like it that much?_ Somehow, he sensed that that question wouldn’t be appreciated at the moment. Instead, he let the question hang, sneaking a shy glance up at Black Hat.

  
He nearly tripped over himself again when he caught Black Hat watching him intensely, something akin to hunger in his expression. And, if he could even dare to think it, maybe a little bit of longing too. But it was gone in a second when their eyes met, Black Hat tearing his gaze away with a self-deprecating grunt. Flug knew that it would be bad to press anymore, so he resigned himself to the silence that had fallen between them.

  
But there was still one question burning on his tongue and he couldn’t resist, he had to know, if after all this time…  
“…sir? Do you…Are you saying that you…h—have fe—?”

  
“Finish that sentence, and I will shred that bag off your face and make you into a display for the tourists.” But Black Hat wouldn’t look at Flug when he said it and…was he…was he blushing, just the slightest bit?

  
Flug summoned up a meager bit of courage. “ _Jefecito_?”

  
Jerking as though shocked with electricity, Black Hat showed his fangs threateningly. “Don’t—call me that,” he snapped. Then, perhaps realizing what he must look like, he glared off to the side. “It’s infuriating.”

  
Flug thought that he probably should’ve been a lot more scared than he was. But underneath his bag, he was fighting back a stupid smile. He’d never seen a flustered Black Hat before.

  
“S—so you really don’t mind me keeping that picture?”

  
“Shut the fuck up.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The characters might be a little OOC, but that's mainly BH and mainly because idk I have a thing for demons/eldritch, immortal beings talking in more old-fashioned ways and his voice is just ajkdfjsdak ok sorry bye CX


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You don’t know what came over you?” Black Hat’s voice made the floor tremble and Flug stifled a tiny yelp. For a second, Black Hat’s gaze smoldered, steam lifting from behind his monocle and curling around the brim of his hat. Then he narrowed his eyes. “Bull. Shit.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaah thank you all so much for the support this fic has gotten! This turned out way longer than I thought it'd be; a tiny bit of backstory and BH being his usual, eldritch self snuck in here unplanned haha. 
> 
> I really hope you like it though and I can't wait to write more for you!

By the ending portion of the tour, Flug was still caught between annoyance at the three girls and a secret blossoming warmth in his chest. He couldn’t get Black Hat’s words out of his mind, no matter how hard he tried. He’d retreated to the back of the group again for his own good and dropped his forehead into his hand with a huff. _This is ridiculous. I’m acting like a teenager with a crush. A crush on some half-eldritch-horror thing too! God, what’s wrong with me?_

  
“Oh, Fluggieee!” Demencia’s voice cackled from up ahead and Flug looked up to see her waving happily. Tongue stuck out, she gave him a raunchy wink. “It’s your turn, science-boy!” A few of the tourists glanced back at him, expectant looks on their faces. Kristina glowered and whispered something to Melody next to her.

  
A burst of nervousness made his voice shake as Flug realized where they were in the manor. “O—oh, right,” he called back. “C—coming!” He weaved between the watching tourists, trying not to meet any of their eyes as he did. Up ahead, a portion of dark wall had been carved into an archway, revealing the sleek surface of metal underneath. The open hatch of an airplane revealed a flash of lab equipment and gleaming instruments inside. A few of the people mumbled puzzled words to each other; but that was the normal reaction to the strange appearance of Flug’s lab and he was used to it by now.

  
Black Hat stood at one side of the doorway as Flug approached, hands linked behind his back. There wasn’t any sign of their earlier conversation in his expression, not even when he met Flug’s eyes. Another jitter of nerves made Flug avoid eye contact after that. He couldn’t have read him wrong earlier, right? Or was this just another one of Black Hat’s cruel games, toying with his feelings like this? He hunched his shoulders as he scurried to get past his boss and into the lab without looking at him.

  
Just as he was to pass him, Black Hat’s voice rang out commandingly. “Flug.”

  
Flug halted in the doorway, close enough to hear Black Hat’s even breaths. His gaze hesitantly rose to his boss’s face, not trusting his voice enough to speak.

  
Black Hat tipped his head to the side, words pitched down to a soft tone. “Impress me?”

  
Flug’s heart did about five backflips. “I—I’ll try, sir,” he managed, a delighted grin under his paper bag as he straightened up a bit.

  
Black Hat smiled with just a glimmer of teeth, somehow making the look both wicked and lightly flirtatious all at once. Flug had the terrible, terrible urge to see if that smile tasted as good as it looked.

  
It took him more than a few moments to get those thoughts out of his mind as he continued into the lab. The footsteps of the tour group flooded in after him, along with the whirring of Demencia’s camera. Across the room, a similar hum sounded and Flug found Cambot in its corner, sparking. “Calm down,” he muttered. “It’s your own fault we couldn’t use you today.” The little robot slouched and crossed two of its mechanical arms indignantly. It was worse than a teenager at times.

  
Remembering that he was the center of attention now, Flug turned to face his audience. And thanked God again for his paper bag hiding the beyond anxious expression on his face. “W—welcome to the lab of Black Hat Inc.,” he tried, lifting his arms to indicate the arching walls and mechanics surrounding them. “This is where all of our weaponry and sale items are built and tested. Multiple test runs of equipment are always required to ensure safe use before we sell anything.”

  
Which was true, because often multiple test runs were needed before the weapons stopped blowing up, or were destroyed in Demencia’s games, or eaten by 5.0.5., or just ticked Black Hat off.

  
One of the tourists raised his hand. Surprised, but happy that they were taking an interest, Flug pointed to him. “Yes?”

  
“Is this really the inside of an airplane?” the man asked, prompting a wave of similar questions from the others. “We noticed that we could see the tail of it from outside, but I thought it was just a prop or something.”

  
“Ah, yes, it is,” Flug admitted. “That is the result of a long and…complicated experiment that destroyed the old lab. At the time, it was easier to rebuild using the interior of the plane, so we decided to leave it.” _That’s half of the truth. The other half is I really really wanted to make the inside of an airplane into a lab._

  
A mother lifted her hand as well. “Have you ever had any live experiments done? Like, on people or animals?”

  
Flug’s feet shifted, an uncomfortable hum leaving his chest. From behind her camera, Demencia shot him a knowing smirk. “W—well, early in Black Hat Inc.’s beginning,” he began, “there were a few human experiments. B—but all subjects gave consent and it was done with as much safety as possible!”

  
“Why did you stop doing them?” another man asked.

  
“Ah, um… You see, there were only ever three experiments performed on live subjects,” Flug explained. His hand strayed to the edge of his paper bag and tugged at it subconsciously. “Too many of them failed and ended in, uh, damage to the individuals, so we stopped. It didn’t do much to give us anything to sell either, so we moved on to weaponry.”

  
The man cocked his head. “Were there any successful ones?”

  
Flug had been asked this question many times before and the answer he had was carefully rehearsed by this point in his career. It still caused the same flood of images behind his eyes though, the shouts, the red stains on walls, the sound of someone begging him to end it, _I can’t take it, shoot me, Flug, plea—_

  
“O—only one,” he confessed at last, twisting a hand in his lab coat. “The very last experiment we tried.” Behind the camera Demencia still smirked; this was akin to hearing an old bedtime story she liked. Off to the side of the group, Black Hat lifted his head, as though snagged by something in the conversation. Flug snagged his boss’s eye, his half-smile like an old secret held between them. “W—would you say it had been a success, sir? The last live experiment, I mean?”

  
There was a second of silence. Then the corner of Black Hat’s mouth twisted up with a slow reveal of fangs, and he examined his gloved claws idly. “Yes, Dr. Flug, I’d say it was.”

  
The strange shift of mood lasted until Demencia just had to add her part. “I thought maybe one other experiment was successful, don’t you think, Blac—?”

  
“No,” Black Hat snapped. She opened her mouth to speak again and he cut her off each time. “Shut up. Film. Don’t look or breathe in my direction.”

  
Glad for the change of subject, Flug took a deep breath and gestured at the table behind him. “Right, so,” he began importantly. “Today, we’re going to show you, uh, one of our newest inventions.” Reaching for a display rack he’d set up earlier, he lifted up a gleaming silver gun, the muzzle narrowing to a small point. “This is, in simple terms, a shrink ray, our newest and most improved model.” Flug handled the gun in his hands with care, fingers playing over the sleek curves. His stutter was nearly gone, as it tended to leave when he spoke of things like this to others. “It can shrink anything down to any size and the effects wear off in only a day or two. Of course, there’s a more permanent setting, for anything you want to remain shrunk.”

  
Melody bounced on her toes at the front of the tourists. “Are you gonna shrink something for us?” she asked, her excitement making her forget her dislike for the scientist.

  
Madison, apparently, hadn’t forgotten. “Can you shrink your boss for me?” she sneered. Blatant now, she let her eyes roam over Black Hat’s form, ignoring the way he curled his lip in distaste. “I’d like to have him small enough to take back home with me in my pocket.”

  
It seemed that this was the last straw. Unfortunately, the last straw resulted in chaos.

  
As soon as the words left her mouth, a few different things happened at the same time: the other tourists actually spoke up now, reprimands echoing from several of them. Madison and her friends all began arguing, pointing out that they’d had to deal with this “stupid scientist” all day and they were sick of it. Demencia angled her camera to film the entire thing, and Flug thought for a single second that he should not be holding a shrink ray right now. Then before he could even comprehend what he was doing, he casually lifted the ray and fired.

  
A beam of electric blue light shot from the gun and hit its target head-on, just the way it was supposed to. The only problem? Its target was supposed to be the lab table at the end of the room.

  
Not three yelling teenage girls.

  
“What’re you— _What the hell?!_ ” Madison yelled, and the other two shrieked in panic as blue light surrounding them, crackling with energy. The other tourists jumped back with gasps and startled cries. The three girls began to shrink, falling from five feet, to four, to one, and kept going. Their enraged shouts and screams rose in pitch until the others had to strain to hear them. Flug stopped once they’d reached the appropriate height of, oh, about four inches.

  
The room fell into deathly quiet, broken occasionally by the squeaks of Madison, Melody, and Kristina.

  
Then Flug realized what he’d done. “O—oh my God,” he stammered, dropping the gun with a clatter. “I—I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to! I don’t know what—”

  
“Oh, hell yeah, Flug!” Demencia cut him off with a whoop, throwing her hands into the air. “That was amazing! And I got the whole thing on camera!”

  
“Demencia, you’re not helping!” Flug cried, panic starting to take over as a dozen glares turned his way.

  
“That was the best thing I’ve ever seen you do!”

  
“D—Demencia!”

  
“I am going to rewatch this so many times.”

  
“Stop, I’m begging you.”

  
“I can’t _believe_ you just hauled off and shrank three girls for flirting with Black Hat!”

  
“DEMENCIA, IF YOU KEEP GOING, YOU WILL KILL ME.”

  
“ _Hey_!” Flug jumped as a tiny shout carried up to him. Grimacing, he knelt down to see a very small Madison shaking her fist up at him from the floor. “You better change us back before I call my father! He’s a police chief, you know, and he doesn’t care if you’re all bigshot villains!”

  
Ohhhhhh boy, this was complicating things. A police chief could hardly do anything to Black Hat Inc., but he could bother them for a few weeks and that was not something Flug needed. Again. Sliding a hand over his face guiltily, Flug tried not to meet her gaze. “W—well, the thing is…this ray was built for more…permanent things, as I said, so… It’ll wear off eventually. In maybe a day. Or three.”  
“Three?!” the three girls trilled at once, so high that Flug’s hands flew to his ears.

  
Madison stomped her foot on the ground. “No way am I staying this size for three days!You’ll be hearing from my father!”

  
“No one will be going to any sort of police.” The clamor of the crowd died down as Black Hat stalked calmly across the room. Everyone’s gaze was trained on him, some angry, some expecting apologies, probably wanting at least something close to apologetic. There was nothing apologetic in the way he ignored them, instead choosing to tug the collar of his coat into place. “You will all leave quietly,” he went on. “The shrink ray’s effects will wear off and you will all return to your lives exactly as you left them.”

  
Even from his greater height, Flug could see Madison’s outraged expression. “Bullshit!” she yelled. “My father will have the police storm this place and throw that scientist in prison for this!”

  
“Let me make something very clear to you, you insufferable little brat.” Madison’s jaw dropped as Black Hat halted next to Flug, glaring down at her. The brim of his hat cast a shadow across his face, bringing out the burn of his eyes underneath. “Your father could barely make it up the front steps of this place before he was stopped,” he growled. “And if anyone is to so much as attempt to lay a finger on my doctor, they will answer to me.” The temperature of the room seemed to drop dramatically at the last word and Flug shivered.

  
The three girls decided that it might be best to stay quiet after that. One of the other tourists was kind enough to offer them the palm of her hand to perch on, glancing nervously at their guide as she did. The rest of the tour passed quickly; Demencia was put in charge of showing the group out and finally turned off her camera. Flug seriously considered locking it away because if she knew how to use it now and got ahold of it again, it could be disastrous. After all, Black Hat was already making him hack the tourists’ phones to erase all pictures of himself.

  
Except for one. In the quiet of the lab, after the visitors and the others had left, Flug pulled out his phone. He had locked up the shrink ray, as ordered, and was now waiting. He knew there were going to be repercussions for this. He might have to work without pay for a while or maybe babysit Demencia during one of Black Hat’s outings. He shuddered to think of that. _Last time, she almost got us all killed_. God, why couldn’t he just do something right?

  
Sighing, he unlocked his phone to find the hacking device he’d installed. Better get a move on on deleting those pictures from the girls’ phones. The picture that filled his screen instead made him pause. It was that picture of Black Hat at the piano, dangerous and elegant as a blade wrapped in silk. Flug’s heart ached. He knew this thing in him had a name, but he never dared to say it. What kind of person felt this for a twisted horror of a man, for someone who could demolish cities with a snap of his fingers, who could lay waste to the world if he found it no longer suited him? There was something wrong with him.

  
“Flug!”

  
_Oh god, I’m not ready to die._

  
“Y—y—yes, sir?” he stuttered, spinning around and tucking his phone back into his pocket. He had two seconds to recognize the dark figure stomping toward him before he muttered a small, “oh no.”

  
Then Black Hat had him by the collar and yanked him up to his toes. “ _What in all hell was that_?” he demanded, fingers gripping Flug’s lab coat in an iron grasp. The only reason his claws didn’t pierce through was the fact that he was still wearing his black gloves.

  
“I—I’m s—sorry, sir, I really am,” Flug tried. He scrabbled to hold onto the wrists currently holding him up and prayed that he hadn’t really ticked Black Hat off this time. He’d seen the things his boss could do and though he’d never done much more than this to Flug, it was always a nagging anxiety in the back of his mind.

  
“You’ve cost us a payment and more customers, you stupid excuse of a scientist!”

  
“I’m s—sorry.”

  
“Can you not control yourself for five fucking minutes to finish a tour?”

  
“I—I—I really don’t know what came over me.”

  
“ _You don’t know what came over you_?” Black Hat’s voice made the floor tremble and Flug stifled a tiny yelp. For a second, Black Hat’s gaze smoldered, steam lifting from behind his monocle and curling around the brim of his hat. Then he narrowed his eyes. “Bull. _Shit_.”

  
Flug swallowed, feeling them shift into more dangerous territory. “S—sir?”

  
“You know exactly what came over you, Dr. Flug,” Black Hat growled, and Flug felt all the blood drain from his face. This was worse than Black Hat flirting with him, because this was mocking, this was taking his feelings and kicking them away. Flug didn’t know whether he wanted to disappear into a hole forever or punch Black Hat in his terrible, perfect face. He’d never have the courage to do that anyway, so he opted for trying desperately to will himself into a hole.

  
“I—I don’t know what you’re—”

  
“Oh, shut up. You’re pathetic.” Black Hat curled his lip and Flug cringed. “Do you really let yourself become this weak on a daily basis? Let yourself show this repulsive weakness to others and let them take advantage of it? Those girls knew what their idiotic antics did to you and that’s why they kept it up.”

  
Flug tried to shrink away from him, but it was impossible with the hold on his coat. “I r—really didn’t mean to…”

  
“It’s too late for that, now, isn’t it?” Black Hat sneered. “You’re impossibly stupid, Flug, ruining the entire tour over a pitifully human emotion. And before you even know if it’s requited or not!” Something about the way he lashed the words out like whips, but his grip on Flug loosened, made Flug blink. That wasn’t like Black Hat. The shouts and the insults, that was. But not…whatever was slipping into his voice now.

  
Flug wondered what a confident person would say right now. Probably the first thing that came into their mind. He took a shaky breath. “I—is it?” he managed, and it came out far smaller than he’d intended.

  
Black Hat’s gaze burned. “What?”

  
“Wh—what I…what I feel.” Flug had to squeeze his eyes shut to get the words out, his face feeling like it was on fire. “Is it requited?”

  
For a moment, there was nothing. Flug cracked an eye open and his breath caught. There was that hungry, wanting look again, passing over Black Hat’s face as he held Flug within inches of him. Then he seemed to push it away. “The fact that you even dared to ask me that makes me want to snap your neck,” he said darkly.

  
“S—so you don’t feel the same?” How Flug was managing to gather such foolish courage, he didn’t know. It felt like toppling over a cliff and falling fast, the urge to let everything out in the open all at once.

  
“I do not feel foolishly human emotions. I _am not human_.”

  
“N—not anymore.”

  
Black Hat’s eyes flashed and Flug thought that he might not have wanted to say that. “You little shit,” Black Hat raged, showing his teeth in a bladed snarl. “Who the fuck do you think you are? What do you think I am?” As he spoke, he seemed to grow in height, looming over Flug ominously. His claws elongated and stretched the fabric of his gloves, tiny little tears starting to appear in the black of his suit. Flug felt a hotness wash over him, like standing too close to an open oven, and a deep humming started in the back of his head. He felt sick, but he shoved that feeling as far down as he could. There was still something in Black Hat’s expression, the barest trace of that something in Flug. He couldn’t let it go.

  
“ _What does this look like to you?_ ” The walls shook with the thunderclap of his voice and Black Hat’s form exploded. He towered over Flug, talons impossibly long and tearing through his coat. A second gaping maw had split open under the first and hundreds of tinier, snarling jaws ripped from his arms, his chest, his legs. His pupil had vanished, leaving behind nothing but scorching, pulsing white. And then, because he was Black Hat and of course he’d go over the top, he roared. It was the kind of grating, hellish noise that people heard in deep nightmares. It could tear open dimensions and topple worlds. Flug wilted under its noise, hands flying up to his ears. But he knew, he _knew_ that he had to endure it. So he did. He waited until it had died away to rasping breaths in Black Hat’s throat. Then he opened his eyes again.

  
Black Hat glared back at him, mouths drawn in terrifying twists, eyes like hellfire. He was an abomination, a nightmare. But above it all, he still sported that top hat and suit. He still spoke. He still breathed. Flug realized that he was gazing up at him in something akin to awe. He hadn’t answered yet, so he murmured one shuddery word. “Beautiful.”

  
The way the glare was wiped right off Black Hat’s face sent a flutter into Flug’s stomach. His boss stared at him blankly for an instant. Then he growled in frustration. “You— _impossible_ , utterly infuriating—!” Breaking off into another earth-shaking roar, he reared back before lunging forward toward Flug. Yelping, Flug shut his eyes and prepared for the inevitable.

  
There was a sound like a gust of wind ripping past him. Then a weight pressed to his face. Confused and not receiving any sort of punishment yet, Flug opened his eyes.

  
Black Hat had returned to his normal form.

  
Black Hat was leaning his forehead against Flug’s and his mouth—

  
_Black Hat was kissing him_.

  
Flug almost fell over from shock. He couldn’t move. Black Hat’s eyes were closed and Flug could feel the shape of his lips, touching his own so lightly. The brim of his hat bent against Flug’s forehead. If it weren’t for the paper bag, they really would’ve been kissing. A blush rocketed up Flug’s neck and face. He wondered if he should try to kiss back or tip the bag up off his face. But then Black Hat was pulling away.

  
Jerking away, actually, releasing Flug and making sure there was at least a foot between them. Flug could only gawk as Black Hat cleared his throat, keeping his hands busy with fixing his tie. “Never speak of this again,” he ordered, not a hint of what had happened in his tone at all.

  
Flug tried not to show how much he deflated. Another one of his games, huh? He should’ve known. “Of—Of course, sir,” he murmured.

  
“…Black Hat.”

  
At first it didn’t register in Flug’s mind. When it did, his pulse shot up again. But no, he had to have heard wrong. He glanced up again, seeing that his boss wouldn’t look at him directly. “What was that?”

  
Black Hat huffed as though it pained him to have to repeat himself. “You may call me by my name,” he muttered. “…if you wish.” He frowned off in the direction of the door. Then, sensing Flug’s gaze on him, he added quickly, “anything other than that ridiculous nickname.”

  
Flug couldn’t help it, he really couldn’t. He smiled. “Y—you mean ‘ _jefecito_?’”

  
“Shut up.”

  
“Why does that bother y—?”

  
“You’re testing my patience, Flug.”

  
“S—sorry…um, Black Hat.” Flug didn’t know how he’d managed to be able to get those two words out without fainting. He could barely believe that Black Hat was behaving this way, and he was caught up in the way his boss reacted to him. He bit his lip, shoving his hands into the pockets of his lab coat.

  
Black Hat’s lips parted at the sound of Flug’s voice around his name and Flug shivered under that intense gaze. Dear god, his monocle was even glowing softly. Then he spoke, quiet and weaker than Flug had ever heard him in his life. “Say my name again.”

  
Flug swallowed, breath hitching as Black Hat took a step toward him. “S—sir?”

  
A sudden whir and a click, then: “ _say my name again.”_

  
Flug’s brow furrowed and Black Hat froze, the two staring at each other in confusion. The noise came again, a tiny hum followed by a click. And then Black Hat’s voice, fuzzy with static: “ _say my name again.”_

  
Flug’s eyes went straight for the corner where his only working robot was. “Wait, is that—?”

  
Cambot bounced up and down on its metal legs, waving its appendages around happily. Its camera lens was fixed on the two others in the room, a tiny light announcing that it had been recording. Lifted high above its head on one arm was a speaker. As Flug watched in growing horror, the robot clicked the speaker to life: “ _say my name again.”_

  
“Cambot! How long have you been recording?!”

  
“ _You wretched robot, give me that tape!!”_

  
A series of pitchy hums came from Cambot, almost like it was laughing as Black Hat shouted at it. As soon as he took one step toward it though, it jumped, wheeled legs buzzing to life. Squealing mechanically, it raced from its corner around the lab and straight out the door. All the while, a string of _say my name again, say my name again_ bubbled out of its speakers mockingly.

  
Flug could only gape in fear. That robot was going to be smashed to pieces by the end of the day. He jerked as Black Hat gave a yell of outrage, storming past him to the door. “I’M GOING TO _ANNIHILATE_ THAT PIECE OF GARBAGE!” With that, he swept out of the room like a twister, leaving the building rumbling in his quake and the echoes of his voice blasting down the hall.

  
Flug stood in the middle of his now-empty lab, mouth hanging open and not quite processing what had just happened. _Wait, so…Cambot recorded the whole time? Did it get… Oh shit. Did it see Black Hat kiss me?!_

  
He didn’t move for a few more seconds as the realization sank in. Then he swiped a ray gun from a nearby table and ran as fast as possible out the door after Black Hat.

  
“ _Cambot! Get back here, now!!_ ”


End file.
